My heart skipped a beat or two as I stood on the weighing machine in the supermarket. 45.4 kgs (99 lbs) - it read. I was left aghast, shocked, flabbergasted, appalled. I had gained 1 kg!!! Two big pounds!!! This CANNOT be happening, I thought. I cannot affored to have this flesh on my body! I could barely hold back my tears and so bolted away to my house. Those figures kept haunting me for the rest of the day. I could explain why my jeans was a wee bit tighter and why I couldn't feel my ribs and backbone as well as they did before. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. Oh god, please don't do this to me! Maybe it would go if I didn't eat for a day or two... But I had to reject this idea because eating was essential to my survival... I lost 22lbs in the past 7 - 9 months by working out and changing my eating pattern. Three to four hours of running, cycling, skipping, brisk walking per day of the week - 22 to 24 hours a week! Eating every two hours, cutting it down to almost half... I did it. I could feel my bones, I felt proud of my flat belly. I had finally started getting rid of the disgustingly hideous figure my parents' stinking genes had given me. I hated my thunder thighs, I hated my genetically (why the hell did my parents have to be so freaking fat?!) large calves that couldn't allow me to wear minis or hot shorts. F*** your genes mom and dad, I'm not going to be fat like you! I don't work so I can't afford a plastic surgery right now, but I sure can sculpt my body! Yes, I can shed that flab! I can become boney like those supermodels! So what if I'm not tall (those god damned genes!!!), I can still get that skinny built! And then maybe when I earn a lot, I'll get liposuction done on my calves and laser resurfacing on those scars... I'll get my hair styled like Hollywood girls and even my smile redesigned! Oh my god, I could be next to perfect! I could look great! Wow! Then maybe when I walk down the streets wearing that little black dress, with those fabulous hair and dazzling smile, I could stop the traffic! Oh god, how

                                                  

                                            

I'd love that! How I'd love that when I visit my friend and her guy friends look at me and tell her, "God, your friend's hot!" or "Holy cow, what a pretty girl!" Girls would envy me, guys would drool over me, all my parents' friends would tell them that they're so lucky to have such a  cute, adorable, beautiful, such a good - looking daughter. Ah, fantasies. All my super skinny cousins could no longer make fun of me.I would have the last laugh. I would be like those Disney girls Miley and Selena who can wear any damn dress and look fab. I may not inspire, but I could definitely thinspire!!!  Yes, I NEED to be skinny. Nothing is impossible. I have to get started. I WILL do it and that too, the healthy way.  And thus, I embarked upon my journey to losing my weight, my already in dearth self respect, my heart, my soul and as of late, my sanity. My will was unusually strong this time; I wanted to return with a vengeance. I wanted to spit on the face of this world and say, "Who looks great now?" I may not be a good person or good friend and I think my mom regrets giving birth to me, and my brother thinks of me as a disgrace, but when I'm skinny, I'll have won somewhere! I wouldn't be that incompetent, insufficient anymore. I'll have topped the class somewhere. I'll be the champion somewhere. My grandmother was against my mission. She'd continually ask me to eat more. She believed that I was a very beautiful kid... Well old people do lose sight with age... Then she left this world in June 2009. It took a huge emotional toll on me thus causing me to exercise more to cope with my sorrow. What liquor is to a drunkard and cocaine is to a druggie, exercise is to me - an addiction, a way of coping with emotional pressure, an escape, a way of solving problems. The scales became my best friend. I never realised that in this run, I lost myself along with my weight.
"OMG! How much of weight have you lost?" "What the... you've become sooo skinny!" "Have you quit eating or what?" "Wow you look great! Lost a lot, haven't you?" Oh wow, sheer music to my ears. I was sooo proud of myself for losing it. I still am.
But then came the 'you looked great before' group. They were bothered about the loss of my chubby cheeks, of my 'glow'. Stupid people. When will they ever understand?! Skinny means good. Those skinny relatives who used to mock me, were now overly ‘concerned’ about my ‘sunken cheeks’. Jealous morons. Who do they think they’re trying to fool?

But exams have decreased the hours of my exercising significantly… I gained two pounds today… I can’t afford to gain even 0.00000000000000001 pound more. And healthy habits won’t guarantee me that. There’s only one thing that can help me – starvation. I’ll have to do something. I need more bones sticking out. I want skinny legs.

 

                                                 

Dear Miss Anorexia Nervosa or as I call you, Dear Ana

 

As you know, I’ve been working very very hard to lose some fat. I have lost some, but I’m not satisfied. As you say, nobody can be too rich or too thin. I want to lose much more. I’ll do everything you say. I’ll stop eating, I’ll vomit if they force me to eat, I’ll fast, I’ll try to exercise more – I’ll do it all. I may not be a good person, a good friend, or a good daughter, but when I’m skinny, I know I’ll feel better. A size 26 jeans sounds like a distant fantasy to me. You are the only one who can help me realize it. Negative calorie foods, too much water – I know. I keep visiting your websites to know more. And believe me, when I tell my friends that a girl should have some flesh on her body, I’m lying. I can do anything to look good like my other friends. Losing weight is the only thing that will help me. Please help me. I’ll try and start fasting as soon as I can. Together we will create wonders. You will be my best friend, my whole and sole. You’ll give me beauty; you’ll give me those bones.Will you help me Ana?

 

Yours truly,

A girl in need of help

 

Oh Jesus, please get me out of here… Please help me god. I don’t want to die. I can’t lose my sanity. Why am feeling this way about myself? Why is this happenin to me??? Please take me away… I can’t take this pain anymore…I want to die. I don’t want to have an eating disorder, but all the other doors just seem to be shut tight. It’s really dark in here my lord, please shine some light…

Dear Santa

 Merry Christmas!

Hope this letter finds you in the best of your spirits. Now, as usual I haven’t been a ‘good’ girl this year. I’ve been a brash, arrogant, self – centred brat. I’ve hurt those close to me and I guess even those who aren’t. I’m sorry Santa, I know I don’t deserve any present. But all these years, you’ve always given me incomparably amazing things that not only made me into a better person, but also made my life better to live! So first of all, I’d like to thank you for some of those uncountable favours you’ve done me –

 1. Thank you so much for giving me this life to live. Thank you so much for giving me a sound body to live in.

 2. Thank you so much for giving me a quirky yet amazing family. Thank you so much for giving me an adorable father with whom I can laugh out loud while watching ‘Tom and Jerry’. Thank you so much for giving me a mother who is rude, impatient and short-tempered yet very loving and caring in a selfless way. Thank you for giving me a brother who, despite being fiery and arrogant makes a great friend, supporter and mentor. Thank you for giving me other family members who are great human beings.

 3. Thank you for giving me good food to eat, cool clothes to wear and a lovely house to live in.

 4. Thank you for all those bitter experiences of betrayal that in turn, made me wiser and stronger.

 5. Thank you so much for introducing me to noble souls like those of Pankaj, Purva, Ayoosh, Ruth and Kapil – these people take the magnificence of friendship to a distinguished level everyday. Thank you for handpicking such gems as my friends. They inspire me to try harder and become better than who I am today. I hope that one day, I will be just as majestic as these personalities – or at least a bit comparable.

 As generous and kind as you are, I would like you to consider these wishes. Granting them is your wish though –

 1. Go up in heaven, and tell my grandmother that I love her and I miss her like crazy. Tell her that I’m sorry for not spending enough time and getting angry all the time. Tell her that her absence hurts, tell her it’s scorching my soul and I will never get used to her not being there. Tell her that I’m stuck, that I can’t move on. I’m sorry gran. Please forgive me. I love you and will always miss you. Nobody brushes my hair the way you did and nobody can cook as good as you did. I’m not used to being woken up by anything else but your quivery voice. I miss sleeping with my head in your lap. When you used to tell me that I’m beautiful, I felt myself glow in and out. I miss that glow… When I was ill, mum and dad didn’t look after me the way you did. I cried for you then. I still am and my heart will cry forever.  But I’m happy that you got rid of all your illness and are at peace. I love you.  

 

2. Protect my family from all dangers. Let no suffering hover over their lives. Let no argument divide hearts. Let the ties of love grow stronger and deeper.

 

3. My brother gets married to a wonderful girl a few days later. Bless them with all the good luck in this world. All I want is their happiness. I want their marriage to be a very successful one. My brother is a great man – he has a heart of gold. I don’t want any bitter moments in his future. Give him a long, successful life ahead. The girl is a very beautiful person too. I want you to shower her future with pure bliss. I want them to be a great couple, a great son and daughter – in – law. May they get all the delights of life.

 

4. Our maidservant’s son recently tumbled down from a staircase. The fall was very injurious and the poor woman is facing a great financial and emotional crisis. Her mentally ill husband passed away a few months ago. She’s a good person and does not deserve to suffer. Although we’re trying to help, I want you to ensure complete recovery of her son, plus a great future for her family. A future sans such sufferings. I want her kids to study and become achievers. I want her to be able to sleep peacefully without worrying about the expenses when she grows old.

 

5. My friend Ruth has recently entered a new phase in life (I can’t disclose it – sorry). She’s ecstatic and I’m very happy for her. She’s an amazing person Santa. I don’t know why people keep judging her all the time. She’s a very simple person who doesn’t crave for a luxurious life. All she needs is love. She’s suffered a lot in life. From people betraying her to ridiculing her – she’s had enough of it. I want an end to the whole nasty part. She DESERVES to be happy. I want you to shield her heart of glass against all those hurtful thoughts and actions. Let not a single teardrop of sorrow fall from her eyes. I want you to colour her life’s canvas with eternal joy and laughter.

 

                                    

6. Kapil – another one of your ingenious presents for me – well, help him get a better insight about himself. He always – I mean, ALWAYS ends up getting hurt. He’s talented and smart and intelligent and blah blah blah but he’s prone to a lot of damage from external factors. And even better, he keeps staging his blockbuster play called ‘I’m okay. I’ll be okay. It’s okay.’ And you know what? When it comes to leaving an impact, this play beats all Shakespearean plays because he himself doesn’t know that it’s a LIE – not his conscious at least. What his subconscious keeps telling me – well, that’s a very different story altogether (Yes Kapil, that’s how I just ‘know’ most things without you telling me. Don’t ask me how I know the other things…). I stopped listening to him a long time ago. When we’re talking about feelings, I’m listening to his subconscious while he’s busy saying something else. I have a strong feeling that he usually knows what it is, but either tries to act like he’s fine (till the time he actually becomes fine) or simply hides it from everybody – including himself. He’s scared of getting hurt – of getting his heart broken. He’s extremely sensitive, but avoids expressing what he really feels most of the times and this makes things tougher for him as well as others. Over this one year of friendship, he’s earned himself a special, cosy space in my heart. I’ve hurt him a lot of times and I really don’t know how to mend it. Broken vases can’t be fixed. The glass has to be melted into a new vase. I don’t know how to melt it. But all I want you to do is protect him. I want him to be happy. I want you to give this simple, benevolent spirit everything it desires. I want you to melt those broken pieces of glass with my love and warmth. This Christmas, I just want to hug him tight, give him a peck on his cheek and tell him, “It’ll be okay. You’ll be just fine.”

 

7. Ayoosh – He’s such a darling! From helping me study to listening to my woes, he’s the perfect guy friend a girl could want. I love him! He’s amazingly sweet and cares for everyone. But people always hurt him; betray him. They never reciprocate the sweet behaviour. All his life, he has put on a happy face and compromised, no matter how he felt. This Christmas, I want to you to shower him with love – get him a girl who loves him just as much, understands him better than he does himself. I want you to shield his heart of gold and help him shine in our lives like the glorious sun. Love you Joker

 

8. Pankaj and Purva – My two oldest pals. They’ve protected me, guided me and supported me all the time. A thousand books are not enough to describe their splendour, their remarkable characters. Fulfil every wish of theirs. Guard them, let them feel my love.

 

9. 99% people in this world are very very good and the rest 1% is unbelievably hard to find. I want you to make the 99% smile. I want them to be happy. Bless them. And help the rest 1% recover from their illness. They need more love. When the dawn cracks, I want the rays to light up all the dark corners and overflow them with hope, faith and love.

 

10. Animals and plants have an equal right on the planet. From stray dogs, to the white tigers – Help them survive. May green be the dominant colour in every landscape. Let people see the beauty of Mother Nature.              

 

Santa, I’ve asked for enough. You’ve always given me more than I wanted. My happiness lies in the happiness of others. So please make my Christmas rocking as usual.

Christmas is a festival of joy, of happiness. It doesn’t lie in material things – diamonds never dazzle, our inner self does. I want to glow Santa. I want to be like you (no, not in appearance or voice). I want to spread love, I want people to smile. I want them to believe that life is beautiful and so are they. And I hope you’ll help me as usual.

 

I love you Santa. Don’t disappoint me. (I’ll double the number of those choco – chip cookies if you help me... A little bit of bribery is okay, right? )

 

With loads and love

Someone you know very well   

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

Well, this morning, I woke up to a shocking news. One of my father's friends - a very cheerful man in his fifties - passed away suddenly. Nobody could think of his going away so soon. Everyone was baffled. 
We always talk about death and how it's the 'ultimate fate' and how it's natural and how life goes on and how we must not be shocked etc etc etc. But the truth is, it's always unnatural for us. It's always shocking and life doesn't 'move on' the way it's supposed to. We cry, we moan, we lament. We wish that he or she comes back. Death is not 'accepted'. We don't move on. We are human beings and we resist changes. Death is one of them - the worst of them. We fear it, we abhor it, we avoid talking or thinking about it.We don't expect ourselves to be dead the next moment. We, deep down, think that (and desperately wish that) we and our loved ones are indestructible. 'I can't die so soon! I'm so young!' - familiar line, huh?
Death has no relation with your age or sex or diet or nation. It will come when it is destined to. And since we don't have our Expiry date printed on our head, we never pay attention to it's existence.
How many times has it happened to you that you really wanted to tell your friend or any other loved one something, but stopped because you thought you'd do that later? Do you wait for the 'right time' to tell someone how you feel about them? Do you like keeping important things 'unsaid'? Are you reluctant appreciate a person openly? Do you find it to tell a loved one how much he/she matters to you? Do you hold grudges for a long time? Do you find it hard to let go when someone wrongs you? I can hear a 'yes' for at least one of my questions...
Let's say you finally decided to tell that person how much he/she matters. You take a nice bouquet of roses and head for their place. You notice a lot of cars are parked there. People are crowding the place, making it hard for you to enter. You make your way in the house only to discover that the person you're looking for is no more. How do you feel? Shocked? Sad? Angry? Guilty? Regretful?  You're late. If only you'd have made it earlier... If only you'd have told him/her how much you love them... If only you'd have spent time with them before... If only...It's too late. They've gone forever. They went without hearing those things from you. Yes, they might have figured it out by your actions, but don't you wish you'd have told them?

                                  

Would you want to live your life with regrets like these? I have one like it too and you know what? It hurts. I won't be able to forgive myself. That feeling is scorching my soul. It's one of the worst feelings ever. Do you want to die with regrets like these? Or do you want to leave content and joyous? What do you want to tell god when you meet him - 'Dude! I had sooo much fun kicking some *** with such wonderful people!' or 'I wish...'? The choice is always yours.
I was talking about this to my mom and she told me that this we're like guests of this hotel called World. It's only that we don't know when we're supposed to check out. This world's a stage - we all play our roles and leave. She told me that we mustn't spin too many dreams about the future because it's a mere illusion. We don't know what happens next. We don't know whether we are in the next. The only real thing is the present. So live it, love it, feel it. Want to tell someone something good? Do it NOW. Don't wait. You never know...
I'm the kind of person who'd hug her friends, buy them candy, flatter them with unexpected words of praise, say 'I love you' just out of the blue. I never really think what the other person thinks of me because of this habit of mine, because you know what? It doesn't matter. I love you and I will say it now. You're awesome and that's why I'll tell you now. I don't give a damn to how awkward it may look or feel. I like to fly in the sky of life without any regrets. Sure, I do get tired at times and I'm sure my friends and family know pretty well how much they matter, but I like to remind them constantly because we always tend to forget the good things when we're faced with a crisis. I don't want them to forget that there's a stupid girl in this world who loves them a lot. I don't want them to forget how beautiful they are. My actions always say this but frequent 'verbal' appreciation is also important. We have to figure out so many things, why add one more by not saying what you feel and expecting the other person to read your actions?
There's no 'right time' other than this moment. The past is gone and the future hasn't come. So seize the day. Do what you want to do - skydive, hike, shop, talk, write your blog, buy presents, jump on the couch, dress like Lady Gaga (okay you can procrastinate here ) go crazy - just do it. We have just one day to live - today. How can you afford to not follow your heart and be happy? How can you resist that smile on your friend's face when you hug him and say, "You're such a good friend."? How??? And more importantly, why?
So stop waiting, start dialing. Do what I did - call up all your friends and tell them how great they are and how thankful you are to them for being there in your life. Go see them today. Send a card, say something nice. Make their day. Earn a smile. Resolve your differences - stupid fights are way too trivial a reason for not being happy. Let go. You don't have time for lame grudges. Go say those 'unsaid things'. Go make them smile. Happiness is what we all deserve. So stop thinking and start spreading it NOW.
Guys, I want to tell you that you're great and you make my life worth living. I'm really thankful to you for being there. I love you!!! Have a good day!!!